The Same Old Cliches: A Day in Salem
by Brit
Summary: This is a fic I wrote mocking DOOL. This doesn't mean I hate the show, quite the contrary actually. Just relax and have fun with it!


The Same Old Cliches:  
  
A Day in Salem  
  
  
Story by Brit  
  
  
The day started as it usually did, another homocide in the newspaper. "God, those reporters work quickly," Craig Wesley thought to himself.  
  
The unfortunate victim this time was Mimi Lockhart. "Poor kid," Craig said,"although I'm supposed to hate her because she was mean to Chloe. Well then, ha! Good riddance!"  
  
Chloe Lane bounced down the stairs dressed in black, as usual. "Hello, Craig! Did you know that Mimi was murdered last night?" she asked almost too cheerily. A loud chord rang through the house.  
  
"What was that?" Mr. Wesley asked. That music always seemed to catch him off-guard.  
  
"I think they call it 'mood music'" Chloe replied nonchalantly, "Well, I'm off to be bitter and hate everyone!"  
  
"Okay, have fun!"  
  
**********  
  
Sami poured herself a cup of coffee. "Today is the day I'm going to get my son back," she said aloud.  
  
Brandon walked in,"Whoa, is this deja vu or have you said that already?"  
  
"Brandon, how did you get in here? You know I'm supposed to be pretending to not have feelings for you! My brilliant plan is ruined."  
  
"Yeah, brilliant plan. . ." He rolled his eyes. When would she quit creating over-elaborate plans and just do everything the easy way? Still, this was the only chance he had to get her to love him. Of course, he could always tell her how he felt, but then that would be too easy.  
  
**********  
  
"Rolf, I've got a little craving for something," Stephano said as he drank his brandy.  
  
"A twelve-step program?" Rolf muttered.  
  
"What was that? Never mind, I'm in the mood for a kidnapping. Who's the lucky victim today?" He scanned a list, "Ah, the Brady cat. This should be interesting." Stephano laughed manically as his henchman rolled his eyes.  
  
**********  
  
Chloe skipped through the streets until she saw Belle and Shawn. She eased into a slow, depressing stride. "Hi Belle, Shawn."  
  
"Hi Chloe, I was just trying to pick out some earrings to go with my new black dress. I love funerals!" Belle said, a little too loud.  
  
"Yeah, that's too bad about Mimi but what are ya gonna do?" Shawn shrugged.  
  
"Hey Chloe, what do you think about this necklace? I'm going to wear it with my dress." Belle held a jewelry box, displaying her newest find.  
  
"Personally, sapphires would match your eyes. But then, the right shoes could compliment these beautiful pearls. . .," she started, but caught herself. "I mean, yeah whatever. Fashion is evil."  
  
"Gee Chloe, I wish you cared about clothes. They are an expression of yourself. Anyway, I've gotta go. Dad's credit card won't max out itself." Belle was frustrated with her new friend. She didn't seem to care about anything.  
  
**********  
  
"Okay Brandon, how is kissing you supposed to get my son back?" Sami asked, perplexed.  
  
"Umm, it'll make Lucas realize that he should go to the police and confess to killing Franco." Brandon answered, as cool as ever.  
  
"But Lucas isn't here," Sami pointed out, looking around Brandon's apartment.  
  
"That's the beauty of the plan. He won't have to be!" he persisted.  
  
Sami smiled,"Wow Brandon, you're so smart!"  
  
Their lips met just as another surge of music played.  
  
"What is that sound, anyway?" Sami asked before embracing her partner in crime once more.  
  
**********  
  
"Yes, Stephano. I'm outside the Brady house right now. Are you sure you want their cat?" Rolf asked as he talked into his cell phone.  
  
"Of course! I figure Marlena needs a break, and besides, it'll be so much fun. Now, don't come back until you have the cat."  
  
Rolf waited in the bushes for the cat. Finally, a skinny tabby walked by. He swooped down and placed the cat in a pillow case. "Ha ha, not so tough now, are you Cat?"  
  
**********  
  
Phillip walked around the corner of .Com, literally bumping into someone. "I'm so sorry--Ghoul Girl? What are you doing here? I thought you would dry up in the sunlight."  
  
Chloe furrowed her brow. "Sorry to disappoint you, Phillip. Anyway, I really have to go." She bent down to pick up the items that had spilt out of her purse, causing her glasses to fall off.  
  
"Wow, Chloe. You're amazing. You're beautiful. I must have you," Phillip said, taking her hand. Obviously, glasses make a big difference.  
  
"No, I have to play hard-to-get first." Chloe explained before rushing off, leaving a very dazed Phillip Kiriakis standing alone.  
  
**********  
  
"Brandon, I don't think it's working. I haven't heard anything from the police department yet." Sami sighed, looking at her watch. They had been kissing for well over an hour.  
  
"Well, maybe we should fly to Hawaii. It's a very romantic spot, you know. It'll drive Lucas wild." Brandon suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.  
  
"You're a genius, Brandon. Let me tell Austin where we're going, and I'll pack my bag." she said excitedly.  
  
"You know, it's probably better not to tell Austin. In fact, I think it would help if you would break up with him."  
  
"You know what? You're absolutely right. Help me pack, and then we're on our way."  
  
**********  
  
Hope had just laid John Jr. down when the phone rang. "Hello?"  
  
"Hello Hope. I trust you recognize my voice." Stephano spoke with ease.  
  
"Stephano, what do you want?" Hope asked, panicked.  
  
Stephano laughed. "It's not a matter of what I want. It's what I have."  
  
"Please, don't hurt my baby! I'll do anything to get my little John back!" she pleaded.  
  
"Relax, darling Hope. I don't have your baby." He said, confused.  
  
Hope looked down, seeing her child asleep in his crib. "Well, who do you have this time? Haven't you kidnapped all of Salem yet?"  
  
"Not quite, my dear. There's still the matter of your cat." Stephano cackled.  
  
"My cat?" It was her turn to be confused.  
  
"Is this tabby that I'm stroking not your beloved pet?" DiMera glanced at the purring feline.  
  
"We don't have a cat, Stephano." Hope was relieved.  
  
"No cat, eh? So, you refuse to cooperate? Well, then I have no choice but to feed it a low-quality cat chow."   
  
"Listen, DiMera. We've never had a cat. Now, I really have to go. 'The Young and the Restless' is coming on."   
  
"Damn that Rolf! My flawless plan was ruined!" Stephano yelled. He calmed down. "Oh well, I can always clone someone tomorrow," he said as he settled back into his chair.  
  
**********  
  
The Wesley home was surrounded by police when Chloe came home. "What is going on?" she demanded.  
  
"Well, these nice little officers wanted to arrest you, but you weren't home. So, I invited them in for tea. Is that okay?" Nancy meekly explained.  
  
"Cuff her, boys!" ordered Roman Brady. "Chloe Lane, you are charged with the murder of Mimi Lockhart."  
  
"What?" both Nancy and Craig exclaimed.  
  
"Excuse me, Roman, but I think this is where you explain everything in excruciating detail," said Abe.  
  
"Oh, but that takes too long!" whined Roman. Finally, he began. "Our little friend Mimi was found outside of the public library, as most of you know. Well, I did a little investigating and discovered that Miss Lane spends a great deal of time at the very same library. Seeing that this could be no mere coincidence, I checked her library record. That's when I discovered that two days before the murder Chloe had checked out a book. Not just any book, but this book!" He held up a book entitled How to Murder an Unsuspecting Teenager. "Well, that would have to be a pretty big coincidence, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Until, my crime scene investigator found this note in the victim's pocket." Roman waved a yellow piece of paper in front of Chloe's frightened face. "Would anyone like to hear what it says? It says,'I did it' and it's signed 'Chloe Lane'. Now, all we need is a confession and you can say 'Hello' to a jail cell." barked Roman.  
  
"Okay, I admit it. I killed Mimi. Are you happy?" cried Chloe.  
  
"Yes, very much so, but explain your motive to all of us so we can use it against you at your trial."  
  
Chloe quit sobbing and began to talk,"It all began the first day of school. All she did was make fun of me. Over and over, the name Ghoul Girl rang in my head. I couldn't stand it, so when I caught her kissing my boyfriend, that really burnt me up. I found the book in the library and hit her on the head with it, nothing more. Then, after her body wasn't found the next day, I felt guilty and put that note in her pocket. That's all. It's not like murder's a crime or anything."  
  
"Actually, Missy, in this town we consider murder a very serious charge. But that can wait. What I want to know is why you lied just now," Roman countered, "You didn't have a boyfriend, did you?"  
  
"Oh all right, I've never had a boyfriend! I just didn't like Mimi, no one did." She pointed to everyone in the room. "Any one of you would have done the same."  
  
Everyone nodded. "Yeah, well, it'll be so much fun prosecuting you. I know our ratings will go up at least two points. Maybe we'll even get a cover story in Soap Opera Digest. As for now, you're coming downtown," Roman said.  
  
**********  
  
Sami and Brandon finally arrived in Hawaii. "I'm going to get my son back," she announced,"and with your great plan, it'll be a piece of cake."  
  
"Um, Sami I have a confession. This plan won't get your son back. I just wanted to get close to you," Brandon admitted.  
  
"Really? Bummer! Okay, we can just kidnap him and fly to Europe instead. That'll save me some time. Come on, we have a kidnapping to plot!" Sami said.  
  
"Are you sure? I lied to you. I took advantage of your I.Q. and kissed you for quite a long time. Do you still want me?" Brandon could believe what Sami had just said.  
  
"Oh absolutely! Now come on, Will isn't going to forceful go to Europe by himself!" she urged as she made her way back to the ticket counter. Brandon immediately followed.  
  
**********  
  
THE END   
  
Note from the author: Sorry I didn't tie up all the loose ends, but remember, it's only one day in Salem! Also, I am in no way associated with anything remotely related to any part of DOOL's production, cast, clothing, logo, airing, or anything else a person could possibly think of. Please don't sue me! 


End file.
